Smartassery

I found this gem in craigslist and had to share.
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To the guy doing my wife:
You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.
1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed [...]

Is there a heinous act left on earth that everyone can agree upon it being wrong?
Case in point: ASSHOLE Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who pleaded guilty in a federal case two weeks ago for his role in the fighting and execution of eight dogs (that are known). Of course, the dogs were all pit bulls. Naturally, [...]

Q: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZABeQ5vkpXM 
Note: If you couldn’t understand a fucking thing don’t feel bad. Intelligent people are not supposed to. Top scientists have decoded this secret language, known as babebonics, a new form of communication employed [...]

Yesterday I watched the best movie of all time for like the 91st time (yes, I’m keeping count). Obviously, I am talking about Alien. This got me thinking: why is it that the preferred method of investigation in movies is to touch stuff? And more specifically, gross stuff.
As the aliens cavort around the spaceship looking for shit [...]

Until the Viagra, penis extension, boob implants, pharmaceutical drug pushing, porno filming, crew calms the fuck down, the comments section is turned off. Because basically my blog is being read by Internet spider robots. Awesome!
I know, so sad. Where are you going to ponder existencial questions and write provocative prose now?! Like I care.

While I get my ducks in a row here (so many things my evil boss has done lately I don’t know where to begin), here’s a joke…
 
This guy is out hunting one day when he comes across the biggest Grizzly bear he’s ever seen.  He quickly raises his shotgun and BLAM! BLAM! fires at it. When [...]

I got a brand new couch! A grown up’s couch too. Ha! So I decided to give my existing one away in craigslist to which effect I placed the following ad:

FREE Ikea Klippan Couch Thing Monster
This is a marvel of Dutch modern design from Ikea. What do the Dutch know about cushioning your ass? Apparently nothing! [...]

I wasted half the day today watching a dog show and here’s my observation:
If you spend a fortune on some mutt to make it look halfway presentable (…and trust me a lot of you are still grappling with this concept), wouldn’t it follow that you spend a bit more and make sure that the dog handler [...]

Stage 1: Living downtown SF is the greatest! It’s so wonderful living in such a vibrant, diverse community. I love being able to walk to hipster bars, overpriced albeit yummy restaurants, and leather furniture stores where the cheapest couch costs 9 months’ rent.
Stage 2: SF is a squalid cesspool, a third-rate wannabe capitol like Dakar or [...]

So I was a wee bit bored last week at work and decided to surf Craigslist to see if anything interesting caught my eye. As I was reading the GIGS section, one ad seemed like a great deal. A woman needed someone to watch her cat, in my house, for two months and offered 200 [...]