the day before the vacation stood still
7:30am
Hysterical call and email from Incubus regarding the tracking of a package being delivered today.
8:00am
Incubus hysterically flapping around the office asking where the coffee machine is. - In the kitchen counter, where it usually hangs out, duffus.
8:03am
Incubus comes out of kitchen with dumbfounded look. Where is the coffee? - On top of aforementioned coffee machine for Pete’s sake. Look the fuck around.
8:30am
Hysterical e-mail #2 about stupid package - Things haven’t changed one bit, online tracking still shows “Package being delivered today to your location.” Mkay.
9:00am
Meeting #1 - Go down to the lobby to get visitor into the building because fucking intercom to buzz him in is not working. Naturally.
9:25am
Incubus comes out of meeting to ask where his package is? - In the hands of the delivery guy. He insists I call the driver. Sure, let me pull the driver’s # out of my ass and I’ll get right on it.
10:00am
Meeting #2 - The fun up and down the elevator continues. After a whole month of having no meetings Incubus has decided to pile them all on the one day when I’m the busiest due to impending vacation. Fucking brilliant.
10:45am
Incubus ends his meeting abruptly and shoves woman out the door. He also wants to know if the package was delivered - Gee I haven’t heard that one before. Does the package contain the lost Holy Grail perhaps? No, it is his non-denominational holiday cards. Whee!
11:00am
Incubus goes out to lunch not before telling me that I have to print out his job hunting kit. 20 copies for an interview he has in another state a couple of days later - What’s the big deal you ask?
Whereas yours and mine will most likely contain 1 resume and possibly one other sheet of paper, what this mammal refers to as his resume kit is composed of:
- the resume (4 pages long)
- the press kit (80 pages long) - this is a compilation of all the shit he has talked to bored journalists over the years
- the deal sheet (100 pages long) - a compilation of all the deals he’s never done but is taking credit for nonetheless
- the picture album (30 pages long) - an homage to himself from the days when he hung out in an afro and tight baby blue shorts with a bunch of other dudes…I’m not kidding
- the digest of the company he is interviewing with (50-500 pages long) - this is like the spy report. For each person who works in the company he is interviewing with (so if 500 people, then 500 reports) I have to put together their bio, news articles, board of directors they serve on and what those companies do, who they sleep with (if available), if they are connected to Incubus through several networking sites, and if they have any weird sexual preferences. Well that last one is not true but I swear he’s going to ask me one day.
There goes my lunch. Instead I have to stay in and paste labels on all of this shit. I pray to the paper god so the printer cooperates and doesn’t take a shit as it is its custom.
1:00pm
Incubus is back from lunch with Succubus. At least he had the decency to make it a long lunch. The female demon proceeds to try and distract me from wrestling with the printer to ask me about the package. I shoot her the thousand yard stare and she retreats.
1:03pm
Incubus comes out of the bathroom and asks about the weather. Just kidding! It is naturally about the package. I track it online and it shows as “delivered and left at the front porch.” That sounds suspiciously like it was delivered at someone’s house so I ask him through gritted teeth “could it have possibly been sent to your house?” “Absolutely not” he says “I remember putting my work address.”
1:05pm
I call the delivery company where I quickly learn that it was sent to the demons’ lair. AS I FUCKING KNEW IT! Succubus calls their nanny who evidently speaks ZERO English. They must communicate about feedings and diaper changes through smoke signals. Ugh. I take the phone away from her and have the best conversation ever as we tear those assholes in half.
1:20pm
Incubus tells me that I need to ship some shit he sold on Ebay on Monday. I remind him I’ll be on vacation, the very one that he is forcing me to take because apparently one week of my miserly vacation being carried over would break the company books. Then he says “fine, I’ll use the assistant from our neighbor.” To this I counter “why don’t you, for once, pack the stuff you sold, take a big marker and write down the address, and take it down to the post office in the lobby?”
He stares at me as if this is not even within the realm of possibilities. I can see his eyes are starting to cross so I concede “I will do it on Monday but be advised I’m not counting Monday as a vacation day then.” Up your ass clown.
2:35pm
Incubus decides that he wants to have the mobile numbers of all the people in the office next door. Squeeze me? What on earth for?! “Oh, just in case I have an emergency and you are not here” he says. “Yeah, but they don’t work for you and wouldn’t be able to help you anyways” I counter. He still wants them. I go next door an request the digits. Hilarity ensues. I come back with their message which was long but I will shorten here for purposes of readability. The message is “NO.”
2:00pm
Incubus complains how he’s trying to export his contacts in Outlook but he doesn’t see the option. Of course you don’t. One more hour wasted troubleshooting his filthy laptop all while keeping an eye on the bleeping print job.
3:00pm
Meeting #3 - Yay! Let’s do the ride thing!
4:30pm
Incubus calls me into his office to go over “things.” Gggggrrrr. I’m working you fucker! He starts the meeting with:
Incubus: I know you don’t want to go on vacation…
Beatrix Kiddo: Oh no, I can’t wait to go. Trust me. I need this vacation
I: Well I need this stuff shipped
BK: I thought that matter was settled already. I’ll ship your crap.
I: Ok. I also need this extra piece of furniture in my office taken away (a 10 lbs desk)
BK: Why don’t we do it now? (so you stop whining about it already - Then he proceeds to stand by as I wrestle the desk out of its spot, lift it and put it in the hallway). Thanks for the help, really I couldn’t have done it without you
I: Next I’d like to hang my paintings and frames over the office
BK: Sure. That could be a great project for you while I’m gone (task deflected biatch)
I: There’s also a financing that needs to take place next Friday so I need help with that
BK: Negative, I’ll be on vacation
I: Well, everyone will be on vacation and it needs to be done. I’m not asking for anything special here, just faxing the forms to the bank buah buah buah
BK: (My one pet peeve in life is whiny people but especially men, drives me to insanity) Fine I’ll do it. However, I’d like to stress out how much I won’t be counting that Friday as a vacation day either.
I: Well that’s not really true, it would take you only minutes
BK: It is now (tread carefully big boy)
I: Ok