acquired taste
A while ago I was entrusted with the task of buying a special tea for his Royal Highness. His uppity ass heard somewhere about this very exclusive tea that only the greatest connoiseurs of tea would drink. And so I bought two bags of Lapsang Cheusong for him.
It is described as a top quality black tea sub-variety with the heady aroma of an oak fire.
And by ‘oak fire aroma’ I mean it tastes like ass. Never before have I tasted a more vile concoction. How can I describe the flavor? Ah yes. Imagine you take the coals and ashes from the barbecue, where you previously cooked moose buttholes and Scottish haggis, and you put them in boiling water. Now drink the water. Excuse me while I visit the vomitorium.
For those of you who say this is an ‘acquired taste’ I say single malts are an acquired taste, green tea ice cream is an acquired taste…Drinking Lapsang Cheusong is a terrorist attack on your tastebuds.
I’ve thought long and hard about how I can possibly rid myself of this without going against everything I’ve ever been taught and just throwing it away. I have hosted office tea parties whereas I have invited all the psychos in my building (and the one across) to taste this witches’ brew in the hope someone will take it away. But alas no takers…despite the scones and the cookies. Leeches.
So I had to put on my recycling thinking cap and think of fun ways to re-use this piece of shit useless bag of leaves:
*Post an ad on Craigslist. This can be the bag of tea that circulates throughout Silicon Valley
*Give it to one of my EA friends at another crappy VC firm where she will unsuspectedly (and this will take some effort as this thing smells)Â put it in her boss’ cup of coffee. He then will go home with an ulcer and she will appreciate the down time
*Re-gift it to someone IÂ hate for Christmas
*Turn it into compostÂ
*Use it as confetti at the next wedding I attend
*Use it as barbecue potpourriÂ
*Throw it at yuppies, like JAP, who don’t thank you for holding open doors or complimenting their $2,000 pedigree dogs
*Make San Francisco’s Villancourt Fountain a tea fountain
*Sell it to my teenage neighbor as weed (at least I’ll make the money back)
*Use it cover the stench of vomit (like at the mall’s bathroom for example)
*End all wars and conflicts in the world by spraying tea from helicopters onto pesky guerrillas
Completely unrelated:
 
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