VC Adventures of the Super-Harlots Club – Installment 4
As you know the First Harlot is with child.
So as it is to be expected I now have a sixth boss. Namely, the Succubus. Part of my days have been filled with $1000 orders for strollers, car seats, and silver rattles…Never mind that I tried to politely explain to her that silver things may burn the baby…you know…since he is the devil’s spawn and all. Whatever, I’m sick of her, her million daily calls, and her annoying drunken raspy voice. Of course, if I didn’ need the miserable paycheck, this is what my advice to her would be like:
Don’t call and immediately ask “Who is this?” Who am I? I’m the same assistant who has answered the phone the past 8 times you’ve tried to reach him within the last hour. Who are YOU? You’re the one who is calling me. Say your name, why you are calling and if you’re polite, I may transfer you. If I feel like it.
Don’t say that I don’t need to know why you’re calling. By now you should have realized that he will only answer the phone if he knows who is calling and the reason of the call. If he doesn’t feel like dealing with you at that particularly moment, get over it.
Don’t call “to talk.” I know your friends are impressed that you’re giving sloppy blowjobs to a 40-something executive, and hey some of them led to the ultimate stay-at-home insurance, but he can’t be at your beck and call 24/7. There’s the 11:00 meeting. Then lunch. Then the 2:00 meeting. Then a meeting at 4:00 to tell the other clowns executives what happened at the 11:00 and 2:00 meetings. If he doesn’t even have time to yell at me for hanging up on you (which byt the way you swore he would), then he doesn’t have time to talk.
Don’t pester me as to why he didn’t return your 2:30pm phone call. It’s probably because he knows you’ll call again at 3:30. And he won’t return that call either.
Don’t make small talk. “How are you?” “How is your day going?” I hate this shit. You’re the 77th person who has called the office today. How am I? I’m annoyed that I had to pick up the phone 77 times only to hear people grumble about how so-and-so hasn’t returned their phone calls or e-mails. Get in line. Your message is number 31 on his voicemail. Also, I really don’t care how your day is going.
Don’t try to be my friend. There is nothing an assistant detests more than someone with verbal diarrhea. “I haven’t seen him in forever. Does he still love me? We haven’t had sex in a week. Is anyone else calling his office besides me? Is he going to buy me flowers? Does he talk to you about me?” Shut the fuck up. The only thing I’m thinking about is when I can go on break because I’ve had to pee for the past 10 minutes. When you ramble I don’t listen to a single world you say.
Don’t give me your phone number and ask him to call you. I have caller ID. I know your work, house, cell phone numbers and when I see them on the caller ID, I simply groan, “I hate it when this idiot calls.”