the VC pantry
Despite the dark cloud of bad luck lingering over our building and our dismal portfolio performance, entrepreneurs still believe we have money to throw around in quirky companies.
Little do they know of the financial gymnastics I have to perform in the back office in order for everyone to get paid. But that is for Nostradamus to figure out.
What I want to know is: why must everyone in venture capital be so unbelievably inconsiderate and helpless?! Even the beggers are complete assholes.
Cowboy and the Three Stooges: Hi, we are here to meet with Incubus (oh no, you didn’t show up here in full cowboy hats and boots regalia)
Beatrix Kiddo: Hello. We are expecting you. Please set up in the conference room. Can I bring anyone a beverage?
CATTS: Uh, no thanks
BK: Very well, I’ll go get my team
CATTS: Actually (says cowboy) can I have a fresh lemonade?
BK: (People think that VC Fridge = Executive Chef & Gourmet Offerings) Sorry, we don’t have lemonade; we failed to invest in Google…but we have the usual sodas…
CATTS: Ha ha, what about an Aranciatta?
BK: (What part of ‘usual sodas’ suggests obscure Italian sodas?) Sorry to dissapoint you again. How about a Coke?
CATTS: Ok, that’ll do
BK: Here’s your soda
CATTS: Err, can you please also bring my colleague a coffee?
BK: Sure (Breathe out and count to five. I make him an espresso because I don’t have time to boil a whole pot of coffee for this nincompoop). Here’s your coffee
CATTS: So my other colleague wants a coffee too. You don’t mind, do you?Â
Are they kidding me?! Could they have possibly given me the entire order at once when I first asked? And are the Three Stooges mute?
BK: Not at all, I’m enjoying the walking lunges drills between the kitchen and the conference room
CATTS: One last thing. Do you have Walker’s butter cookies?
BK: (I give them the EA thousand mile stare) Actually, we did but we just ran out of the scones and the clotted cream
Fuckers. That’s it. When I let Incubus know that his business guests are ready, I also say:
BK: By the way, when I served the coffee, I could’ve sworn they were making fun of your wall of trophies. Something about them being little…
And so they never got funded, not by us anyhow. Because that money needs to stay where’s is at to cover my paychecks. And also because they were dicks.