seal=1; human=0
Yesterday IÂ watched the best movie of all time for like the 91st time (yes, I’m keeping count). Obviously, I am talking about Alien. This got me thinking: why is it that the preferred method of investigation in movies is to touch stuff? And more specifically, gross stuff.
As the aliens cavort around the spaceship looking for shit to chomp on, they tend to leave a trail of green, gooey, corrosive poodles. Now what do you think that the humans do when they come upon one of these festering pools? Why, they touch it with their bare hands, of course!
If you think that this is totally implausible in the real world, know this: 65% of all snake bites in this country occur to the hands and fingers. This is because people are either sticking their hands in creepy nooks or because they have tried to grab the snake, pressumably because…because…oh yeah no reason at all.
Well, so this Sunday I went to freeze my ass while attempting to surf. More to the point, I went so I could pose in my bodysuit while floating on the surfboard about the bay. So anyway, we are all taking a break from not breaking a sweat behind the wave break line. To our right there was a school of fish, a flock of seagulls out to get the fish, and about 10 seals also trying to eat the fish. Those fish have a hard life, don’t they?
In any case, this ’person’ decides to break from our group, swim over to the National Geographic event and pet a seal. Yeah, ummmm, that’s not gonna work. The minute he reached out with his hand and touched the seal’s face, the gentle mammal chomped on his hand and dove off with stupid guy in tow.
Ten seconds later, they resurfaced only to dissapear again beneath the great blue. For the next five minutes, the seal, who was with all certainty a travel agent in disguise, proceeded to give the alleged superior form of life a tour of the beach, the creatures walking across the ocean floor, the underside of boats… At times he was allowed to gasp frantically for air for about 2 seconds. Hilarious I tell ya.
And then just as it had started, it ended. The seal, having had it share of fun for the day, went back to its group where I could’ve sworn I saw everyone high-fiving each other while giggling and pointing to the seal molester.
The human and his shredded paw, paddled to shore where he sat with a very confused look in his face.
In a related story, the same guy once got lost in the woods and tried to start a fire by rubbing his 2 IQ points together.
