Smartassery

It is the most unwatchable film ever. Well, that and The Million Dollar Hotel. Regurgitators!

Anyway, so Alexander is about the life of the self proclaimed king of all…err…regions. The problem begins with the casting. Colin Farrell is Alexander. Or should I say, he’s NOT. He is to kings what grapes are to filing cabinets. Lunatic drug dealer, ok. Imposing king of kings, not so much.

Then there is Alexander’s posse, I mean army. So they are supposed to be Greek, right? Well maybe then you can come up with a plausible explanation as to why they all have Scottish accents and call each other ‘lads.’ And speaking of accents, dear Angelina Jolie, who plays Alexander’s psychotic mother and can only win Oscars when she plays herself (just like Julia Roberts, thank you very much), tries hard to come up with a Greek accent and ends up channeling a Russian. I know, very fitting.

Assuming you can get over the vapid cast, there’s no freaking way you can remain awake for the next two hours. According to the poster, this was meant to be a movie about Alexander’s territorial conquests. According to my eyes, Alexander stood around a lot droning on about inconsequential stuff and shagging boys as his mother manhandled a bunch of snakes and his one-eyed father gave senseless advice. 

At one point my left eye opened and reluctantly gazed upon this scene. The night Alexander is to deflower his wife he is wearing boxer shorts with an elastic waistband. Now, I’m not the costume expert of antiquity but I’m pretty sure, the Greeks didn’t invent elastic. Talk amongst yourselves.

What a snoozefest! If I wanted to fall asleep, I would call my psychologist and listen to her talk about her problems.

So to conclude, if you want to see a movie about Greek fighting scenes with plenty of eye candy and entertainment, then rent The 300 or Troy. Or watch me dance in my toga and sandals. San Francisco’s fire marshall has deemed me a fire hazard because I light up the dance floor with my sexy moves. The story of my life.