ivy league = pig alliance
The company had a bunch of Ivy league pompous fuckheads over for lunch. Lunch was served with a side of long rambling vainglorius rhetoric by the evil managing director. ZZZzzzzzzzz…
Anyway, as a general general rule they came in with a certain attitude and a lot of glancing over. Behaviorally, they ate like a pack of wolves during the first week of spring.
Being the cunning observer that I am, I put on my hounds-tooth coat, pipe and magnifying glass (sentence shamelessly borrowed from someone else) and came up with the Ivy league eating non-etiquette: Â
-You shall ignore all trash cans. Do not deposit anything in them under any circumstances
-You shall never clean after yourself. Cleaning is for losers…and executive assistants…because they’re losers
-Please play with your food. As practice start by taking food out of the lunch box and spread it in intrisic patterns all over the conference room
-If you use any utensils during your feeding time, feel free to leave them wherever you please. They especially make nice decorations stuck in potted plants, artwork, and furniture
-Drinks can be ‘stored’ in any type of surface such as the cushions of leather chairs. Don’t worry about leaving any ring marks as when you worry your frown creates wrinkles and then it cancels the Botox injections out
-Speaking of drinks, plants are big fans of Coke and beer so instead of wasting all that liquid, just pour it on them. You’re such a pleaser!
-Feel free to stick your hand in the bag of chips as many times as necessary. Offer chips to everyone as they don’t mind eating things that have been smeared with your germy hands. Remember, they’re pigs too, they don’t care!
-On the matter of bags of food, if you have discovered a bag of grapes, nothing stops you from eating said fruit from the bag (see previous point) and then spitting the seeds back into the bag effectively ruining it for anyone else with a desire for a fucking grape
-As you scarf your sandwich time, make as much noise as possible. This effect is particularly enhanced if you chew with your mouth open. It also gives other people in the room the chance to see the process of mastication live and in stereo. Everyone benefits!Â
-Coffee is best poured by holding the pot like a complete fucking idiot and allowing it to flow freely onto the surfaces below. Like a cascade. The smell of spilled coffee on the carpet is truly wonderful not to mention the artistic stains that will never come out. No worries
-Tea bags are to be taken out of the paper cups and flung aimlessly around you. Hilarity ensues as you and your partners play ‘Where’s the wet broken tea bag?’ also known as the ’Make the janitor’s life a leaving hell’ game
-Please refrain from disposing of any semi-eaten fruit. The brown tinge that the oxidative process gives an apple, for example, it’s a sight to be seen and should be regarded as art. If you want to outdo yourself give it a special place like the speaker’s podium or a drawer where people frequently stick their hands without looking
-When eating as a group, the goal is to compete to see who leaves the most crumbs in the darnest places like in the crevices of a folded newspaper, any nooks and crannies in the room, the lens of the projector…
