Smartassery

I got a brand new couch! A grown up’s couch too. Ha! So I decided to give my existing one away in craigslist to which effect I placed the following ad:

FREE Ikea Klippan Couch Thing Monster

This is a marvel of Dutch modern design from Ikea. What do the Dutch know about cushioning your ass? Apparently nothing! This is without a doubt the most uncomfortable thing you’ll ever sit on. I’ll tell you a secret: it’s not really a couch but a bench…made out of rocks and porcupines.

Anyway, the arms are too high, the whole thing is hard as hell, it has mysterious stains and it’s got a bizarre incline angle that will screw with your ability to lay on it in any position. If by any chance you choose to ignore my warnings and, say, spend a night on this medieval torture device, you’ll need a kidney replacement in the morning. In fact, this is the reason I’m letting go of it as I can no longer afford the physical therapy…

Anyway, besides the uncouch-like specifics, it seats two (or three if you really like each other) and it comes with two (2!) free covers (green and blue). Although, truth be told, both of them are faded to death, one of them has a gaping cute hole in a corner, and both of them have been ravaged by our dog. And by ravaged I mean, he is an un-neutered male, and generally goes around dripping stuff from…but I digress.

Did I mention each cover goes for $50 brand new and you’re getting them for free?! I won’t tell you that they are a total bitch to put on. On par with putting a sweater on an octopus. This couch has many uses like serving as deterrent to visits from the in-laws or stay-overs from your wino friends. It probably contains Kriptonite as proven by the drainage of your energy that can occur when you sit on it.

But hey it’s free and it’s light (I can balance it in my pinkie) so what do you have to lose? You’d have to pick it up in Millbrae.

Here’s a picture of when I got it. I tried taking a current picture but the camera refuses to work when pointed at the monster. 

 

I got tons of responses, mostly telling me what a great laugh they had reading my ad. A few were even interested in picking it up. And then I got this e-mail:

From: Corina van der Meer

You tard! The Dutch are from The Netherlands (aka Holland). The company IKEA comes from Sweden which means the Swedish know nothing about making furniture. Please know what you are talking about before you verbally abuse my people.

Oh well allow me to retort:

From: Me

Dear Corina,

Thank you for taking time out of your obviously not-busy-enough-schedule to correct people on things that actually have no bearing on the matters of the universe (aka ‘I don’t give a shit about’). Good thing you are here, scouring the classifieds, to make sure that the Earth is properly rotating on its axis, lest we minions try to topple it with our humor. 

Interesting to see that although you will not tolerate a joke on the Dutch, you are nonetheless quite content to pile dirt onto the Swedes. Lucky for you, I’m very well versed in life and can totally understand that the shit only flows in one direction. I give you the award for Equalist of the Bitter, Joyless, and Disheartened Dutch International Federation.

I had a good laugh at your e-mail since I’m sitting on an actual office chair from Holland (aka The Netherlands) which was without a doubt originally intended to be used by terrorists as an interrogation prop. You people are quite good at this!

Lighten up, would ya?

PS: On the other hand, I loooove frites with mayo and your stance on pot.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 27th, 2007 at 11:43 pm and is filed under odds and ends. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.