Smartassery

Dorkus Supremus decided that he wants to create a website that documents the impending birth of his evil spawn son. Obviously, by “create a website” he really means “let’s stick Beatrix Kiddo which yet another inane project that is completely outside of her job description.”

Because he is a spineless person cunt, he plays the game of probabilities of his head not being chewed off and requests this travesty by e-mail instead of in person. Let’s review the sneaky missive:

“Want site done in Flash, creative and pretty..like Discovery’s. Limited budget, could pay you $165 tops but you could list it in your portfolio. And I could always recommend you to my friends, they have tons of ideas for websites. You have to manipulate the pictures in Photoshop but you’re the guru, right? Do you think you can finish this by end of day tomorrow? Wifey wants to see it.”

Sure… no worries…thank you wholeheartedly for all the project details. I mean, it’s always good to know the parameters when starting such a dynamic and life altering project, not to mention having bullshit standards imposed by some simpleton with no idea of what he’s talking about. Never mind that it took Discovery years to design a multimillion dollar site. I’ll build one just like it overnight. Kunta Kinte would balk at the payment figure but that’s because he was greedy like that. Hey, maybe I can pay a twelfth of my monthly rent with your $165. Or maybe I can buy a goat and a chicken and feed my family for the rest of the year!

I hadn’t thought of padding my portfolio either. What a genius idea! Why bother designing for real money when I can fill my ‘portfolio’ with the weak-ass content at www.howardisborn.com? 

And how kind of you to recommend me to your friends whom are incidentally known as Scrooge’s Little Gloom and Doom Troop. Let me get my 2007 calendar out…I can’t wait. A whole other project with a side of ‘shit budget.’ Wee. I’ll cancel my actual paying clients to accommodate your and caddre of cheap maggots.

There’s no disputing I’m an expert in design software (and also assaults on trains) but if you want a guru you can go smoke a holistic herb ’cause you’re in dreamland if you think ’Moi the Guru’ is going to accept any project for less than $150/hour at a minimum of 5 billable hours paid upfront. Hey, isn’t this what you paid the jackasses who did the company’s Christmas non-denominational holiday card last year? 

Must have site completed by tomorrow. Oh yeah, this is the holy grail of web design. Faster, faster, pussycat. If you want me to stay up all night working on the stinking pile of visual pollution you call your family pictures, you better have that finger on the Paypal button.

First rule of business: “You can only have two of these variables at any one time ‘good, pretty, and cheap.’ Although I’ve been known to liberate an Amazonian tribe from a hungry jaguar only in exchange for a plate of armadillo, working for you is different. 

I am not a fucking charity. You want a business…be a professional. You want something for free… ask your fucking parents…you want miracles…ask Jesus.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 11th, 2007 at 9:15 pm and is filed under Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.