Smartassery

I’m mostly ok physically after my encounter yesterday with humankind’s Public Enemy #1 but I’m sure the mental scars will take a long time to heal…

The beast ran up to me as I was walking my dog yesterday. Mind you my dog is a pretty beefy looking pit bull but that didn’t deter the monster from ambushing us from behind.

I turned around to find the attacker lounging at us adorned by a foamy mouth and a gnarly disposition. In my awesomeness I had the presence of mind to extend my left leg in a formidable karate kick and the barbarian encountered my foot. He collapsed for a second letting out a loud squeal. 

Hurt and humilliated, he charged again. This time, he was politely introduced to my right foot as it nailed him in his flank. 

Oh, but all this ass-whooping was not deterrent enough for the fucking thing and so he dared charge at us again. By then I was pissed, and bored, but mostly pissed, so I pulled an Indiana Jones and wrestled with him, my muscles glistening in the sun, finally pinning him under my rocking body. 

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have screamed “This is Sparta!” in the process as it drew weird stares from all the people around (by the way thanks for all the help, assholes). My pit bull? Great, thank you. He knows that I’m crazier than him and so he cooly sat down to observe the mayhem, ‘grllll yous gots this.’

Several morals to this story:

1. I better reconsider my walk-the-dog get up. Note to self – pack the bow, arrows, baseball bat, Mace, and Rambo knife.

2. If you see this ferocious creature approach you, do not try my moves unless you are a musculous nightmare like me or you are wearing a full shark-proof bodysuit. Approach at your own risk:

 

 

Now, seriously, I’ve never met a chihuahua that wasn’t a psychopath. Now that I think about it, this fact is usually directly proportional to their owners being overbearing idiots. More to the point, if Paris Hilton owns one that’s reason enough for you not to. Do you want to catch stupidity? Think people think! 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 9:04 pm and is filed under rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.