300 reasons
If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor a go watch The 300 which should be handed the Oscar for Badass Movie of the Decade.
Basically it chronicles the story the battle of Thermopylae which was fought by 300 Spartan warriors (and a bunch of others who were not Spartans and therefore not important). Cool things:
1. Spartans – All good looking and unlike in L. A., everyone was natural. This was accomplished by a process of ‘natural selection’ in which ugly babies were chucked out and only the best specimens were allowed to live. I understand we can no longer have this as only my family and I would survive and what fun would that be without ugly people to make us look ravishing.
2. Battle scenes – I don’t know how to better describe this but essentially picture a comic book’s scenes moving in front of you and there you have it. Essentially: bloody, convoluted, detailed, bloody, amazing, bloody, inventive, and visually stunning. Oh, and bloody. Also, the Spartans fight in loincloths and sandals which showcases quite well their…swords.
3. King Leonidas – The aforementioned loincloth, the abs, the thighs, the fierce eyes, and portentous voice. Also he’s a feminist and he’s crazy.
4. Queen Gorgo – She’s all for freedom, which as we all know ‘isn’t free,’ and has no qualms about killing anyone. And in case, you didn’t guess it…she’s also hot.
5. No famous actors = No bullshit performances of pouty lips and best camera angles.
6. History – If the people refuse to read about history, the next best thing is to bring it to them.
But the best is the controversy:
- The Iranians are offended that the movie depicts them as barbarians and that it is a concerted effort by the U.S. to declare war on Islam. I don’t know by what logic they dare say this. Basically the movie is about Xerxes, a Persian asshole, who decided all land should be his and conquered a large part of the world to prove he was serious. When he got to Greece, a land inhabited by real men, he quickly got his ass handed back on a platter by an army that was much much smaller than his. In my neighborhood when that happens, it means I own your sissy ass and the apple goes on your head when I practice my marksmanship.
Up to this point, which is also the end, the movie is right on queue. OK. So how does the U.S. depicts the Iranians as anything other than what they were back then? Excuse me, I guess instead of rolling the credits, they should have shown pictures of Iranians holding puppies, beating their women with rainbows, and painting walls with nuclear watercolors.
- The gays are pissed that they are always portrayed as evil and perverted by Hollywood. Which is true. It’s also true that this should be expected in this kind of movie, just like I don’t expect Chris Rock not to say ‘fuck’ and ‘niggas’ in his comedy routine. If you’re so pissed about this, get Tom Cruise and every other movie producer to come out of the closet already and advance the gay cause in Hollywood.Â
