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Behold the latest office memo:

Dear Employee,

Please be informed that any celebration of Valentine’s Day will not be tolerated.

This “holiday” has Christian and pagan origins which I don’t support. For those of you unfamiliar with my Jewish faith, we actually celebrate romance and friendship on Tu B’Av which this year lands on August 9th.

So please refrain from eating chocolates, exchanging cards, and talking to your sweeties on February 14th.

PS: Beatrix, this doesn’t mean you can cancel my reservation at French Laundry next Wednesday night. I still want to take my wife to dinner.

So in conclusion, we get jipped again. 

I guess it actually makes sense that all 2 employees subjugate their faiths to that of the director’s, seeing as the Jewish religion is unanimously hailed worldwide as the end-all-be-all of human existence. There have never been conflicts around the world to dispute this so I’m going to go ahead and repeat this as absolute truth from now on.

I’ll also refrain from having my daily 3:00pm chocolate fix since it will inevitably be tied in to me caring about my lover, which would also mean that I care too much about him, and I don’t want to send that message out lest he finds out and starts demanding a pagan Playstation 3.

Of course, I won’t cancel the director’s Valentine’s Day restaurant reservation because it is obvious that he is a man of deep faith and he won’t be swayed by the pagan significance of the bloody holiday whatsoever. As long as his mind is clear, he’ll be fine.

Evidently laws and directives are only made for worms like myself whom are clearly undisciplined and ignorant. Creatures like the director are clearly superior in every aspect and are, therefore, exempt of all nuissances.

Gold bless him. 

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 8th, 2007 at 12:41 am and is filed under Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.