check yourself before you wreck yourself
So I was a wee bit bored last week at work and decided to surf Craigslist to see if anything interesting caught my eye. As I was reading the GIGS section, one ad seemed like a great deal. A woman needed someone to watch her cat, in my house, for two months and offered 200 dollars for the job. It seemed like a lot of money at the time (I now realize that this was a pathetic offer) but I figured that cats pretty much take care of themselves, so why not? 200 bucks is a nice pair of shoes or four or 17 at Payless! And it was more respectable than the guy who was offering 50 bucks an hour to iron his clothes in the nude. Which I would be totally good at, by the way.
That evening, I receive a phone call from the woman who informs me that she’s in my neighborhood and wants to stop by and see my house “right this second.” Mkay. To make things more interesting, she mentioned that she didn’t like the last house she left the cat with because the couple was unmarried. God forbid you leave a cat with an unmarried couple, it clearly might become tainted with their ideas and start frolicking with other cats before marriage. I should have told her to turn around then but I figured the cat was likely not as conservative as her, so why should I care?
Her cat, of questionable marital status, was shaved like a damn poodle. Any human being who shaves their cat like a poodle should be turned in for animal cruelty. But this lady was more than just a weird old cat lady. She was, well, the cat’s pajamas!
Crazy Cat Lady: It’s a gorgeous house but I’m not sure about leaving the cat in a neighborhood that has so many blacks and Mexies. You see, I’m not fond of ethnic people. Oh, I’m sorry, you’re not Mexican, are you?
Beatrix Kiddo:  No, I’m not Mexican, I’m actually from Yugoslavia. That’s ok, when I lived in Georgia, they spraypainted “Go home dirty Mexicans” on my car because there anyone with an accent is from Mexico. Anyway, I’m used to the mix-ups
CCL:Â Oh, well I hate Mexicans and I’m not afraid to say it but I’m sorry for what you went through. Hard to believe such prejudice still exists in this country, but I guess that happens in the South.
BK: (I’m sorry, what? Pot, meet Kettle)
CCL: And you know what? I don’t like immigrants, particularly those from Ethiopia. They came here solely for the purpose to be in the country that is “closest to God.”
BK: Really? I could have sworn they probably come here for work and food, but I guess I’m wrong on that one. (You know, I’m not sure which religion she is in, but I’m going to take a wild guess and assume the initials of it are “K.K.K”)
I bit my tongue the whole time because an evil plan had begun to take shape in my head. I began fantasizing about what I might do to this cat if she let me take care of it. I was thinking about growing the cat’s hair out so it can look normal and not be ridiculed by other cats. Then, I’d like to expose it to the liberal media, let it watch MTV and take it across the street to hang out with black people. I would even get him a diamond collar that spelled out “Pimp” and a little sweater that said “Pet my Pussy.”
But alas, it was like she could read my mind. She scooped up poodle cat and said, “I don’t think this is the right place for Rupert. There are too many personalities here.”
Oh, well. Maybe the naked ironing job is still open.
