Smartassery

You’re probably wondering how it is that I have so much free time to update this sappy blog, given that I am an executive assistant to the president of the U.S. and A. Wait…what? He’s not?! But he’s perfect! As far as I am concerned he has all the qualities needed: White, Jewish, Rich, Oblivious, Detached, Pompous, and Useless.  

OK. Well…so I assist this guy who’s soon to be in the ballot for some important post during the next hellections, his existance is that pointless. Right. So how do I manage, you ask? I, my little chicks, have mastered the art of managing the manager.

And now you’ll be privy to my secrets because I’m feeling niiiice today. Behold the EA Principles:

RULE 1 Flood and conquer - By which I mean, cram his fucking calendar with meetings, conferences, parties, doctor’s appointments, etc. Sign him up for everything making sure there are only 3 minutes in between appointments. That way, he’ll be less likely to come up with stupid crap for you to do. If he asks why a conference call has been scheduled for 6:30am, the standard answer is: “that’s the only time when everyone else is available.” I don’t have to tell you that he doesn’t need to know that they were all also available at 10:00am.

RULE 2 You’re on top (aka Fake It) - When he does manage to break free from your relentless scheduling, lo and behold, he will approach your desk with retarded questions like “did you make my Botox appointment?” Whatever he asks, you answer an enthusiastic “Yes, I’m waiting for a reply.” Truth notwithstanding…

RULE 3 Entertain – This has less to do with being a gracious hostess and more with making sure he’s drowning in information. First e-mail of the day goes to Idiotamus with a status on all the things you’re working on. Make it more than a screenful and pepper it with seemingly important questions so that’s he’s forced to read the whole manifest. Beyond that, send him one e-mail per crappy project that he gives you, even if it consists of only one sentence. This way his Inbox will appear to be full with e-mails from you, thus ensuring him that you’re so very busy. Also, make sure that he has a pile of mail and magazines 10 inches or higher to sort through every freaking day. 

RULE 4 Gloat – All good news go in writing in an e-mail to Idiotamus. This way when you ask him for a bloody raise, you can always resend it to him in case his pea sized brain conveniently forgot about your saving the company $20 on the grocery bill. Obviously, never ever put your failures in writing. These you address in person to increase the odds his pea sized brain doesn’t remember them when you ask him for a bloody raise.

RULE 5 Be an ace at poker – This can also be stated as “never show him all your cards.” Let’s illustrate: Say he twisted his ankle badly pretending that he can play tennis. The whole week he’s been limping around crying for attention. On Thursday he finally caves in and asks you to make an appointment with the chiropractor. Now, you know him better than that. He’s your force-adopted child after all. You just know that he’ll be asking you other shit related to his rotten ankle, because he can’t just drop it. Shit like “find out what the latest painkiller in the market is.” You, being so savvy and all, already anticipated this and did the research after making the appointment, which took you all of 2 minutes of googling “painkiller.” On Friday he asks you the obligatory question and you just thrust the research in his face. Watch him melt in awe because, dude, it’s like ESP or something.

RULE 6 Be petty – If you work with a micromanager, as I do, nothing vibrates his rocker more than when you ask him small questions. The point here is to make him feel like he’s needed (even if you think he’s on par with the evolutionary level of an ostrich). Be sure to overwhelm him with questions like “Hey Idiotamus, I’m about to order more coffee pods, do you think I should order more of the Vanilla Cappucino than the Pumpkin Latte?” Then nod and take furious notes as he ponders on the pros and cons (are there even any?) of one flavor over the other. Let him believe that you think he’s God and you hold his opinion in the highest regard. Even when you end up ordering Colombian Roast and forget about the pussy flavors.

RULE 7 Fuck it – If all else fails, there’s always tomorrow. Never fear my darling. You can’t be fired! Bask in the knowledge that you have a firm grasp on their sacs.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 21st, 2006 at 5:38 pm and is filed under odds and ends, Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.