Smartassery

Drama is not only when the size-2-wearing-skinny-bitch at your favorite designer store tells you the dress you oh so desperately need to try on “doesn’t come in your size” while giving you a once-over that lingers on your hip area for 3 seconds too long.

Now, just because I work in a sausage fest, doesn’t mean I have no drama. If anything, I have tenfold. For men at work are tragic, like trannies looking for love at the rodeo (well, maybe bad example; the rodeo is probably where they get to score the most…cowboys and all). 

Back to my latest dramatic episode or tending to the new CFO. Argh…words cannot express. Suffice to say that he takes “high maintenance” to the Project Runway winner’s level (whose name will not be mentioned in my page lest he get one more hit thanks to me. Geez, why not just hand over the winning spot to Hot Topic?! eh?! eh?!). Anyway…

Gosh. I’m not against intelligent questions. But just querying me endlessly so that you feel validated as a human being is excruciating pain for me:

 

8:30am

Dim Spreadsheet Guy: Good morning everyone!

Beatrix Kiddo: Hello DSG!

DSG: Well, Jola to you, Beatrix

BK: Hmm, DSG, it is pronounced Hola

DSG: No, no, no, no, no (insert condescending look)…there’s an H in there, you know?

 

9:00am 

Dim Spreadsheet Guy: Beeeeeaaaaatrixxxxx

Beatrix Kiddo: Yessss (helpless men are my kriptonite)

DSG: How do you make a cappucino?

BK: I don’t know. The only person who drinks coffee in the office, is not here right now. He got that espresso fancy machine that only HE knows how to operate

DSG: But if I put the coffee here and I do this and that

…(and then I need to clean the fucking mess up)

 

9:11am 

DSG: Hey Beatrix, stupid request (is it ever not?)

BK: Yes

DSG: The janitor is not vacuuming under my desk

BK: Mkay. What’s there that needs to be vacuumed?

DSG: Stuff (what about not eating like a starving raccoon anymore?)

 

9:20am

DSG: Beatrix, my stapler jammed

BK: (Blank face)

DSG: Is there another stapler?

BK: Yes, in the supply room which is incidentally next to your office

 

9:25am

DSG: Now I need staples

BK: In. The. Supply. Room. (should I try hand signals next?)

DSG: I can’t find them

BK: Where did you get the stapler from?

DSG: The box labeled Staplers

BK: And next to that box, what was there?

DSG: Another box labeled Staples

BK: (Blank face)

 

9:47am

DSG: I’m hungry

BK: (Ignore him, he’s not real, he doesn’t exist…)

DSG: Is there anything to eat?

BK: Did you check in the kitchen? (feed a man a fish…)

DSG: No

BK: The Bathroom?

DSG: No…should I?

Note to self: Logic, illogic…it’s all the same to him. Fascinating creature. 

 

10:01am

DSG: Beatrix can you go online and check how much money there’s in the checking account?

BK: I’m a bit tied up right now. Is your login not working?

DSG: Nah, it works, but I’m busy (doing what? massaging that bag of grapes?)

 

10:07am

DSG: What are these charges?

BK: Which ones? The ones I explained to you last week?

DSG: Yeah yeah those. I forgot

BK: Um, let me see. Yes. I forgot

 

10:13am

DSG: What’s the combination to the safe?

BK: (I bet anything he’s a stoner) DSG, I’ve given it to you every day for the past 2 weeks. Are you sure you don’t want to write it down somewhere?

DSG: Nah, I commit everything to memory

BK: Really? How’s that working for you?

 

10:22am

DSG: Beatrixxxx, fix my laptop. It’s not working again

BK: (Oh, for fuck’s sake!) What’s not working?

DSG: The wireless connection is not working! It’s not listed. How am I supposed to work like this?!

BK: Let me see…I see the connection right there. It’s the one with the name of our company. See? Syncope Ventures?

DSG: Oh, it didn’t work before (sure, sure)

 

10:45am

DSG: Have the bank statements come yet?

BK: Yes. I filed them in the binders. You know, per your procedure

DSG: Did they all come in?

BK: I didn’t count them (since we have like 27 different accounts - money laudering is soooo complicated). Whatever we got, it’s in the binders 

DSG: Yeah but how many did we get? Beatrix?

BK: (Furiously writing on a piece of paper) Can’t talk right now. Time for my vote of silence.

 

11:00am

DSG: Beatrixxxx, Beatrixxxx, Beatrix?

BK: Hang on a sec. I’m fixing my voddoo doll. Evidently, something is not working right

 

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 24th, 2006 at 2:43 am and is filed under Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.