Smartassery

The managing (in)director secured a spot to speak at some VC convention no one ever heard of. Fueled by his hardcore delusions of grandeur (which the Ambien/Vicodin cocktails are not helping one bit), he has put forth a list of requirements for the event organizers that looks more like the rider for a Britney Spears’ concert.

As the First Slave (actually, the only one – Obi ONE Slaveobi is my office code name), I am in charge of typing up this 9 page long preposterous list and making sure the unsuspecting victims (aka event management people) come through. Anyway, here’s an excerpt (keep in mind that only one person will be using all of this):

Dressing Rooms (yup, sadly there’s more than 1 room):

Room #1

• 2 Large Tables
• 3 comfortable chairs, preferably leather ones
• 1 fluffy (what. da. fuck?!) white couch; please test fluffiness.  
• 1 full length mirror (naturally, Mr. Diva is in the house)
• 2 lamps with dimmers
• 1 Ethernet connection; ensure that it is a T1 line
• 2 recycling bins for cans/plastic; 2 for paper and 2 trash cans (how much garbage can a person possibly generate in one day?)
• 1 telephone line that only accepts outgoing calls; number should not be divulged
• decorate with tropical plants

Room #2

• 5 large suitcase stools (He’s there for 1 day but he carries 5 suitcases; guess the Louis Vouitton set cannot be separated)
• 3 full length mirrors (Copernicus called, you are not the center of the universe; I shudder as I remember a certain scene in The Silence of the Lambs)

Catering

*Important: No meals shall contain any of these ingredients: mushrooms, milk, shellfish, MSG, honey, flour, soy, sugar, fat, ice, or nuts (enjoy your lettuce then fucker)

We request that 8 vegetarian macrobiotic meals are provided to Mr. Crane-Burns. Please make sure these are delicious (Duh! I don’t know one person who would ask for a foul tasting meal, do you?) and prepared by a trained chef (Just like Cher’s). The meals should also be served every 2 hour intervals (Goes without saying that you may have to burp him too).

Transportation

• First class air reservations with Suntan Airlines (uh? puzzling) 
• Mr. Crane-Burns’ requests to be picked up from the airport in an unidentified car escort service that ideally will be composed of 5 cars. Mr. Crane-Burns will decide arbitrarily which automobile to board so as to minimize conflict (Here’s a person who believes deep within his heart that 1) there will be a mob of people ready to receive him and 2) that this mob of idiots actually exists)

Security (uhu, he requested this)

• Two security guards in the parking area; they will be guarding the aforementioned car float from the time of arrival until departure.
• One security guard in each room.
• Two security guards during Mr. Crane-Burns’ speech (What could he possibly need protection from? The shrimp tray that’s so perilously close to the podium? Obviously, it hasn’t dawned on him that people usually run away from him, not towards his repugnant persona)

A revision of definitions is in order here:

Venture Capitalist = Very Conceited

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 6th, 2006 at 7:55 pm and is filed under Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.