Smartassery

This year my wishlist includes what I’d like others to have, not because I am selfless and giving, but because if these people had what I wish for them, my life would be so much better:

A new shirt for my boss, preferably not pink (he has plenty of those already) and not a pastel color. Also, let’s throw in a hammer so he can break out of the closet, and a boyfriend so he has something to entertain himself with besides annoying me. 

A haircut for the dorky Asian girl in the contiguous office. She also needs glasses to realize that although I’m wearing shorts and tanktops, I’m really NOT a guy coming out of the women’s bathroom, and to have her entire wardrobe set to flames.

A blowjob for the guy in the café downstairs who constantly complains about having to make food for his customers. He has to prepare my boss’ “spinach salad with anchovies spliced width-wise, no bacon, fat, cheese, croutons, or anything else but spinach”, ergo I fully understand his plight. But really, this is the job he picked, eh. In addition he needs some lithium badly.

A pair of size XL shorts and man-tits covering t-shirt for the ex-Village People backup dancer from my spinning class. Come to think about it, what he probably needs most is a membership to a new gym.

Speech lessons for my husband so he can learn to properly say the following: “Yes, darling,” “Dinner’s in the oven, my love,” “You’re so beautiful and I don’t deserve you,” and “Should I bring the handcuffs to bed tonight?”

A life…for my mother-in-law…something to distract her from constantly sending us emails about her bowel movements and to remind us “to behave.” Perhaps a tube of lipstick, a hairbrush, and a membership to Match.com. 

Heavy duty earplugs for everyone in my ‘hood. It’s the only way to enjoy the afternoons while the 15 year old in the house across from mine attempts to crack his drumset.

Duct tape for my fitness bootcamp instructor to put over his mouth before he pitches me another multivitamin-shake-bar pyramid scheme that would oh so complement my training. I already paid him $400 a month to wake me up at 5:00am and scream at my sorry ass to “move it.” The only reason I’m willing to throw the cash at him in the first place is that he is quite hot and I like seeing his posterior in those shorts. Perhaps if he’d be willing to teach the class shirtless and in spandex manties (his panties) we could talk…but until then, my checkbook is closed.

Finally I wish for world peace, anarchy, the legalization of drugs and gay marriage, and the end to war and poverty. Also I wish George W. Bush trips and falls into a ditch full of snakes. He’ll be in his element.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 27th, 2006 at 3:27 am and is filed under odds and ends. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.