Smartassery

If you’ve been reading this blog somewhat faithfully, you probably know that Mr. Burns is currently taking a sabbatical. Which might explain why I don’t have anything to write about. But fear the delayed postings no more for he cannot truly abstain from inflicting pain for an entire month. Damn me.

Last Monday I got a frantic call from the Mosquito Director (I have no doubt in my mind this is his totem animal) who needed something to be couriered ASAP to his hotel in Bombay, India. This thing to be mailed with such urgency was…drumroll please…his electrical toothbrush.

Ignoring for a second the different electrical systems, trouble getting an adaptor and such, is India really that dismally poor that a tourist cannot get a teeth cleaning implement at the five star hotel’s store? Or, is he so attached to this thing that he’s getting brushing withdrawals? Would a finger or a toothpick not do for the time?

It took 4 days for the toothbrush to make it to Bombay at a cost of $101.56. In appreciation for my diligence and efforts especially in dealing with the nitwits in customs (and his constant whiny calls-you would think I was shipping his Cialis prescription), he sent me a box of pears. 

Now, I’m not greedy. I wasn’t expecting something fancy-schmancy. But flowers or a gift certificate would have been nice (better). Instead, I got a basket of 36 pears and a sprinkling of apples. Now, I have nothing against pears or apples per se, but I’m not exactly a fruit freak. Not to mention that he new I would be leaving the office for my vacation in 8 hours. Pears are, after all, perishable (or should I say pearishable?) items. Unlike say potatoes, they don’t last for weeks. Not that I would have preferred a sack full of taters, but that’s not the point.

Even if I was the biggest fan of these pome varietals, can you imagine the havoc I would wreak on my digestive tract if I tried to eat all of them over the next two days? Or maybe he thought that I could spend my one free day before skipping town in the kitchen whipping up pear upside-down cake, apple rice pudding, pear and apple tart with rapsberry coulis… Or better yet, maybe I could stage a block party tonight with the ubiquitous bob-for-apples (or pears) competition.

Tonight, on my last day, I was planning to head off into the night to officially kick off my well deserved vacation, blissfully unencumbered by anything but my dancing outfit, cash, and a few inhibitions. But now, thanks to this agricultural hindrance, I’m not going to be the usual sexy and carefree Beatrix Kiddo…

I’m going to be Carmen fucking Miranda. 

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 19th, 2006 at 5:38 pm and is filed under Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.