Smartassery

pet rescue

Hello, You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Animal Rescue. Due to the high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation:

Press 1 if you think we are veterinarians and want free medical advice

Press 2 if you know we are a rescue organization but want to save money and have us give you free, untrained medical advice anyway

Press 3 if you make $400,000 a year but still want us to spay the “stray” in your yard free of charge

Press 4 if you have a 10-year-old dog/cat and your 15-year-old son has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home right away

Press 5 if you have three dogs, had a baby and want to get rid of your dogs because they are in the way

Press 6 if your dog is sick and needs care but you need the money for your vacation

Press 7 if you just got a new puppy and your old dog is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away

Press 8 if your little puppy has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model

Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy who is not very active and is going to outlive you

Press 10 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150 pound, 8-year-old, unneutered, aggressive dog

Press 11 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home today and pick up the dog you no longer want

Press 12 if you have been feeding and caring for a “stray” for the last three years, are moving, and suddenly determine it’s not your pet

Press 13 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your dog that you have had for fifteen years because frankly it is not our responsibility

Press 14 if you want one of our perfectly trained, housebroken, kid-dog-cat friendly purebred tiny dogs that we have an abundance of

PressÂ 15 if you have already called once and been told we don’t take personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this time with a different answer

PressÂ 16 if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to board your personal dog while you are on vacation, free of charge, of course

PressÂ 17 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you wantÂ us to deliver an eight week old puppy to your house by 6:30 am before your kids wake up

PressÂ 18 if you want us to take your female dog who has already had ten litters, but we can’t spay her seeing as she is pregnant again, and it is against your religion

PressÂ 19 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because it is declawed, but you are not willing to accept the responsibility that the cat’s behavior is altered because of your nice furniture

Press 20 if you have done “everything” to housebreak your dog and have had no success but you don’t want to crate the dog because it is cruel, so you just want to give him up

Press 21 if you didn’t listen to the message asking for an evening phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are also working and you are angry because no one called you back

PressÂ 22 if your dog’s coat doesn’t match your new furniture and you need a different color or breed

PressÂ 23 if your new love doesn’t like your dog and you are too stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next month anyway) instead of the dog

PressÂ 24 if you went through all these ‘presses’ and didn’t hear enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old dog while the vet mercifully frees him from of the grief of missing his family

WE SALUTE YOU RESCUERS, VOLUNTEERS and SUPPORTERS!!!

(oh yes, and fuck all the heartless people)

This entry was posted on Friday, July 28th, 2006 at 5:01 pm and is filed under odds and ends, rants, raves. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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pet rescue

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