Smartassery

Following our recent search for an EA, I’ve noticed that there are people out there who don’t have an ounce of common sense.

The process has also made me realize that I’m fucking brilliant and that I’m rotting away here when in fact I’m should be the President of the U.S.A. Would certainly do a better job than the Replicant in charge…

Naturally, being also the human resources coordinator, I’m weeding through the responses we receive. Tips:

1. Cover letter - Pay attention, this is your first test. The recruiter wants to see if you can assemble and compose a letter. Ideally, in English. Something that says “Hello. I am currently looking for a job; since graduating from Idiot University” does not a good impression make.

2. Spell check - It’s a fairly standard tool in any word processor. Use it. Misspelling “Exctibe Assistant” in an email looking for such a position is an automatic disqualifier.

3. Edit ruthlessly – When you are done with the spell check, take 10 minutes to actually read your letter. “I speak fully English, Chinese and proficiency in Russian”…right, however, you’re obviously not proficient in composing a basic sentence. “I’m available to interview. Here’s my schedule. Thank you for your time!” with no listed dates tells me that my schedule is not available to interview you.

Also, please ensure that your cover letter and resume information actually match (i.e. address, name, phone numbers) or they’ll be properly filed. In the recycling bin.

4. Email address - Is it so hard to get a professional sounding address? Debbiedoesdallas@gmail.com isn’t the most appropriate one when replying to an office job. Maybe you should be applying to Vivid Entertainment instead.

5. Enthusiasm - It’s a fucking office job. Tone it down. One girl wrote something like “My love of venture capital is reaffirmed every time I assemble a quarterly report.” ????? That’s great, honey, but this is a business. We don’t sit around wearing berets and turtlenecks, sipping red wine and discussing reports. We produce as much as possible in the shortest possible time so we can get something better than a $50 certificate to The Olive Graden at the end of the year (not that this is guaranteed).

6. Job experience - What part of “do not apply if you haven’t assisted C-level personnel for 5+ years” are you having trouble understanding? If you were an intern yesterday, you won’t turn into EA to Steve Jobs today (incidentally, just found out that he has 7 assistants. Seven!).

Give the recruiter what they want to hear. Tailor your resume/CL to the job. Doesn’t need to be 100% true, if you get my gist. But please note that you have to be good at pulling things out of your ass if you are going to lie.

7. Sex sells – Enraging but true. Dress up and be sexy-confident. By this I don’t mean wear the little $40 outfit from Forever 21 but actually get a suit from Macy’s. No cleavage or stilettos (unless applying at Vivid) but flirt intelligently. Which means compliment, suck ass, and fake it like there’s no tomorrow.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 18th, 2006 at 6:15 pm and is filed under Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.