Smartassery

Backburner – If I would’ve known we had a a burner in the back of the office, I would have dumped every single one of my fuck-ups there a long time ago. No evidence, no crime. 

Clawback – If you’re not spelunking in a dark cave or repelling down a treacherous cliff, you are not allowed to use the words “clawing back” in your everyday speech as the whole sense of danger associated with it gets lost among styrofoam coffee cups and half bitten doughnuts. 

Delta – Are we talking about a river bed, change ratios or a difference? They’re so similar I get confused. Morons. 

Dialing and Smiling – AKA Telemarketing. Hey asshole, why don’t you come try and sell me something to my face while I’m having dinner. Then, when I stick my foot up your ass, we’ll see who’ll be smiling.    

Differentiated Focus – Redudant tongue twister to mean “we have our head up our butts and have nothing to say.” Isn’t all focus inherently different? Don’t we all focus on different things in different ways? 

Dry Run – As opposed to a wet run? Not to mention that we are not running anywhere because, well, we prefer to enhance our bottom real estate by plopping down somewhere.  

Due Diligence –  Fancy words to mean “faulty self-serving research.” VC’s do it to find the dirty stuff on a company they don’t want to invest in. And also to avoid uncovering dirt on a company they do want to invest in. 

Execution Play – Is it a theater play about an execution? Or guidelines on the execution of a game? 

General Partner Commitment – Committed to what? Conning people into giving you money so that you can pay for your wife’s Tiffany ring? 

Hard Cap – Are we supposed to be wearing construction helmets to the office now? Fucking ay, leave the dress code alone!

Missing Work – Hardly. If I’m lucky enough not to be at the office, work is the last thing on my mind. 

On Fire – Because of the obvious lack of flames and your casual sashaying around the office (in your pink shirt), I’m going to assume here for a second that you are actually not “on fire” and so will refrain from dialing 911. You are also not “hot”. At all.  

Salary Freeze – Yup. Your money in the freezer, right now. 

Seasoned – With spices and a good marinade? 

Seat in the Board of Directors - Thank God they’re planning on giving us chairs. Imagine if I had to do the whole 5 hour meeting standing. 

Strong Team – A rock solid guarantee that everyone on the investment team graduated from high school. 

Vintage Fund – The only thing “vintage” about this fund is that it’s 20 years old. Naturally, with no exits or returns. This is like Kirstie Alley saying she’s voluptuous. No honey, you’re a whale. BIG difference.     

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 8th, 2006 at 2:39 am and is filed under rants, Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.