Smartassery

Among the things that royally piss me off is corporate attitude. In my opinion, you have to be pretty devoid of a life to wholeheartedly identify with an intangible thing.

Anyway, I get this e-mail today from one of the macaques:

“Beatrix, in an effort to grow our database with high quality contacts, here is a list of contacts I have compiled. Please enter them into the database and annotate accordingly. I have deleted the names that didn’t have any contact information or those that I knew were not relevant or those that have died or those have had a major illness in the last year or those that are duplicates or those that are not interested in our side of the business or those that don’t have a religious affiliation. A few notes…” (here I went into a comma as this “note” thing went on for a page filled with pointless rambling). The last line was “Just want to have a database that’s up to date while pushing for accuracy and usefulness.”

Can you tell that this is one pompous shoot of a corporation? Obviously, at the behemoth corp. he worked before, they sucked his brain out and implanted the sheep chip. All he can do now is agrandize the scope of the task at hand while copying everyone in the office so he can seem to be “on fire.”

Mister, here are some pointers if you want to get shit accomplished:

1. Keep it brief – A whole page to basically say “please enter these contacts in the database.” I fell asleep 3 times reading this novel and since it pissed me off so much, it got moved to the bullshit folder where it sat for 2 months.

2. Save the corporate jargon – There are only 3 cats in this office. I give a royal fly about your ulterior motives of qualitative business enterprise. If you want to seem so important, e-mail this snoozer to the monkey in charge. He signs your checks. I don’t. No need to impress me with your ranting verbose.

3. Edit, edit, edit – There were about 6 paragraphs in there that you could’ve eliminated completely. I wouldn’t have missed them because, well, they were pure “I celebrate myself. I sing to myself” bogus crap.

4. Cut the bullshit – This whole business of how much you care about the company, makes my heart bleed but doesn’t fool me. I know that you’re only here so you can supplement you retiree income with some greenbacks. So pretty please, can we do without the saccharine kiss-ass lexicon?

This is easier said than done. These guy’s e-mails all limp from the same leg: way too many words. His speech doesn’t deviate much from this model:

Jar Jar Binks – Beatrix, I need a key to the office because I’m going to be traveling from the Canary Islands and when I get here I want to be able to open the door because I’m thinking of working on that day.

Beatrix Kiddo: Sure, here is one. You can keep it.

JJB – Oh really?! Thanks, you know sometimes you just want to come to the office and work work work (a life he has not). Oh also, I need a card to enter the building because on that day when I come from the Canary Islands, by way of Neptune, and I’m going to be working, it will be a Sunday and the building is not open then, is it? So I would need a card key. I’ve had cards before and they come in handy when you go in to work when there’s nobody there, you know. So, can you order me one?

BK – Take this one. Keep it.

JJB – Oh gee. That was fast. You know this one looks exactly like the one I had at Masturbation Inc. It was just like this one. Oops, better not get it confused because then I wouldn’t be able to get in the building on that Sunday that I’m coming from the Canary Islands by way of Neptune to work. Snort. Snort.

Arghhhhhh. This guy is a freaking robot! Maybe if I just jam a cable or blow his head off…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006 at 11:39 pm and is filed under Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.