the riddle
Not content with slowly torturing me the whole day with stupid crap (and trust me it’s like he’s pricking me with paperclips trying to bleed me to death), the subnormal abomination of the managing director has devised a new method of torment: WAITING UNTIL 4:50pm TO GIVE ME INANE PROJECTS THAT TAKE NO LESS THAN 3 HOURS TO SOLVE.
I feel like Indy in the Temple of Doom. No matter how badly I want to get out, I have to tread carefully because one misstep can send me back to the room full of spiders.
The projects in question are like the riddles posed by the Sphinx. I know I exaggerate a lot. It’s genetic. However…
1. Find out if the Bostwana Airport has a shower. While you are at it, there’s a tiny airport in Assville, KY where the flights are really cheap. Find out if they have a urinal with a door and book me a flight from Smallville, OR with no connections.
2. Make me Valentine’s Day reservations at all 35 five-star restaurants in the city at random times after 7:00pm. Then put in my calendar but I don’t want to see them so find a way to hide them. On the 13th, I’ll realize that I’m a cheap bastard, make you cancel all the reservations and take my sappy wife to the taco truck instead.
3. Order shirts for everyone in the office and their wives. However, these are a surprise so you cannot ask anyone their size shirt. Eye ball it. But don’t make a mistake or I’ll whine in my best fag hag voice for a month.
4. Check me in to flight # the-most-crowded-connection-from-New-York-to-Los-Angeles. You must get me a bulkhead, exit row, or flight attendant’s seat in a window without any extra charge. Better yet upgrade me to first class and have them refund me money. You may have to flex some muscle like the 500 miles I have accumulated in the last three years.
5. The computer clock issue. (No further commentary is necessary as I’m still dealing with this shit - it’s an algorithm: The Baffling Hypothesis of Timeless Inconsequentiality)
Make this crap into a computer game and you’ll have the Mind Numbing Puzzle Game of the Year. Awards guaranteed.