Smartassery

this place sucks

Have you ever seen the movieÂ Office Space? OMG, you totally should! It’s a cult classic for generations of rats doing the race thing in cube farms around the country. It withstands the test of time because corporate America is quite resistant to change and tends to follow the rigid rules put forth in the Manual of Nimietal Procedures and Senseless Rules to Stun People With. In other words, they’ve been doing things a certain way since the Cretaceous and are not about to start changing them any time soon.

One thing that doesn’t change from job to job is the imbecile in charge of ruining your life for 8 hours (and quite possibly the other 16 too). This would all be easily fixed with working less hours, like they do in Spain or France. Hmmmm, French fries, yummy in my tummy.Â Where was I? Right, my boss is Mr. LumberghÂ incarnate, a condescending and patronizing jerk whose hovering over your shoulder never fails to give you urticaria. He who starts every sentence with “um, yeah” and swears that when you miss work, you really miss it.

Idiot Boss: So, Beatrix. How was your weekend?

Beatrix Kiddo: (Muttering under my breath) None of your business (Trust me, you don’t want to act friendly here or he’ll think you want to be friends with him…shudder)

IB: Um, yeah. So…you had a day off last Friday (My boss, the Stater of the Obvious)

BK: Uh-huh (Although it was ruined by your selfish ass; more on that later)

IB: Did you do anything fun?

BK:Â Sure. I went shooting. (Actually, I’m getting quite good at hitting your face dead center. Also I’ve been trying to improve on your voddoo doll but apparently is not working. Note to self: collect more saliva from the 9 assorted bottles and glasses scattered inÂ his office. I swear, he’s like the girl from Signs. Duh, his choice of pink shirts obviously mean he’s a girl at heart.)

IB: Funny. Really, did you miss us? (Sadly, he is serious)

BK: No

IB: Ha ha ha. You’re such a comedian

I’m convinced this manÂ IS the antidote for humor.

The stuff of nightmares, Mr. Bill LumberghÂ

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 at 5:13 pm and is filed under Vapid Capital, rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

4 Responses to “this place sucks”

Disappointed in SW Says:
May 9th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
LOL! You’re hilarious! and your boss sounds like such a tool! I’ve been bloggin for a while but my stuff isn’t as well written….I kinda just rant on and on and let it off my chest…check it out…

http://www.kinfotenfo.blogspot.com

leave me a comment…tell me what you think…honestly…and keep on bringing the funnies!
Disappointed in SW Says:
May 9th, 2006 at 5:29 pm
By the way..
Here’s a some interesting pranks I found when I googled, office humour.

Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.

Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker’s computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word “the” with the phrase “you suck!”. They will usually panick and start scanning for viruses.

Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.

Change the coffee in the office coffe maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks(or untill you think everybody has gotten over their caffine addiction)and switch to expresso!

With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpeice inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpeice. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won’t be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

Simply pop out the ‘m’ and ‘n’ key on someone’s keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
smartass Says:
May 9th, 2006 at 6:12 pm
Hey DISW!

Thanks for your kind words.

Turns out I’ve tried a few of these suggestions. I’ve done the mouse thing and laughed hysterically at their febble attempts to get it to work. I’ve also put a laxative in the coffee which got everyone out of my hair for a day. Gotta say that one of these days, I’ll be trying the Autocorrect and the switching of the keys tricks.

Thanks!
Wil Schroter Says:
May 9th, 2006 at 9:06 pm
We used to run a prank when someone would walk away from their PC where we would send a company-wide message to everyone on their behalf (we only had 100 employees and no one was over 30 at the time … god bless 1999)

Once people got smart enough to know how to lock their PC when they walked away (it’s windows-key-”L” btw - I live by it now) some of the tech guys figured out how to spoof their email address and send it out anyways.

I remember one time after a client meeting I came back to see I had “outed” myself to the rest of the office. Even my girlfriend heard about it before I could respond. Nice.

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this place sucks

4 Responses to “this place sucks”

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