Smartassery

A bit of advice to the string of desperate-flat-broke inventors and start-up companies that are looking for some investment capital. I feel bad for you. Yes, you. The ones that get rejected time and again by the autocratic fiends, ahem, VC’s. Here’s how to make it through the process of getting your hands on their gigantic wads of cash:

1. First Meeting – During the introduction meeting you’ll probably be meeting with an Associate only. Hence, don’t bother making fancy presentations. Slap ten pages together and you’re set. Associates are like eager teacher pets and will pass on ANYTHING to the partnership to show they have what it takes. After the meeting, they’ll write a long ass e-mail to the partnership detailing EVERYTHING that went on (so don’t pick your nose ’cause they’ll tell on you) and recommending a second meeting.

2. Second Meeting – If you dealt your cards right with the Associate (see SlaveGirl’s hilarious first hand account of dealing with these creeps here)in step one, you’ll be called for a second meeting with the partnership. Add five slides to the initial presentation, delete/add some clipart, and modify all the figures to make your investment seem juicier (don’t worry, this doesn’t look bad – they do it too…all the freaking time). Be prepared to wait at least 30 minutes until the royal pack is ready for you. They’ll most likely be wrapping up a call with the psychologist or chastising the wife over that grocery bill at Whole Foods. Sometimes they’re not doing anything, but you’ll have to wait just the same. Anyway, keep your schpeal brief as you’ll be dealing with ADHD incarnate. A third meeting will be scheduled to get to the “meat” of things. You thought this was it? HA.

3. Third Meeting – Here you’ll be going over the same shit you did before. Keep in mind that this is more a test of endurance than of added value. They’ll ask you the same questions over and over again. It’s a bit like a police interrogation. You don’t even have to answer. Just let THEM talk and laugh at their inane jokes. Nothing a VC loves more than the reverberations of his own voice.

4. Fourth Meeting – Never forget that this whole time, they’ve been prolonging the process in the hopes that you’ll eventually get tired and go away. So, all you have to do is insist. Get the directors’ phone numbers and leave long messages on their voicemails. They like to hear that you’ve singled out their company because it is the perfect niche/market/move/whathaveyou. E-mail them your future cash flow (no, it doesn’t have to be scientifically sound or even make sense, silly nilly, it is a purely hypothetical figure that you just pull out of your ass). Just pet their ballooned egos enough and you’ll snag another meeting. 

5. Fifth Meeting – If they schedule it during lunch time and PAY for your lunch, you’re in! You have proven to be a nagging SOB and your undying persistence must mean that you really believe in the marketability of grey pencils. Thus you, deserve to be let into the inner circle. Collect your winnings and advance to Money Avenue.

In short, be a bull and ram your investments up their nether region, hard and fast. There you have it. This valuable advice is of course free of charge. But if you must, I accept donations to my paypal account. E-mail me at smartass@smartassery.com and I’ll give you instructions.

You are welcome.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 6th, 2006 at 6:08 pm and is filed under Vapid Capital. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.