Smartassery

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, toilets, or artificial hearts.

 

UPDATE 12.04.06 – If you are not a moron, you need not read this. Thank you to all the retards who have sent me e-mails and furious comments on my lack of sensitivity towards gay people. Your missives have been…enlightening to say the least. Clearly, you went to school to enjoy the recess and generally eat shit. You could have taken all the money you spent on schooling and flushed it down the toilet. Same effect. 

That said, I have decided to let the cat out of the bag. This was meant as a SARCASTIC posting to illustrate the ridiculous excuses that conservative and religious people (not me, JACKASSES) give to oppose gay marriage. If you don’t see the humor in this, the rest of us evolved Home Sapiens will have no choice but to believe you eat grass and like to roll in the mud.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 31st, 2006 at 8:31 pm and is filed under odds and ends. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.