Smartassery

Once upon a time, around when I first moved to the glorious city of San Francisco, I couldn’t get a job because I didn’t have a residence. Ironically, I couldn’t rent anywhere because I didn’t have a job. You see how that can go on endlessly, don’t ya? It’s a vicious circle; comparable to the Griswalds getting stuck in the left lane at the Big Ben clock plaza. 

In any case, I answered this job posting for a Personal Assistant. The lady hired me on the spot. I was to assist her with running two businesses: a laundromat and a mailing store. The pay was $12 to start and, naturally, since she was an entrepreneur and all, no benefits. I would work 40 hours a week and divide my time between her home and the businesses.

Conveniently, she neglected to mention a whole slew of domestic chores that she was expecting me to do as well. Including but not limited to babysitting, driving her boy to and from school, feeding her boy and friends with meat things (since she was a vegan and wouldn’t touch flesh), doing her laundry (as full or surprises as it was), doing the gardening, walking the dog three times a day, sweeping, doing dishes, doing groceries, delivering folded laundry to customers, avoiding her creditors, and catering to her many boyfriends. All this while she concentrated on improving her yoga Asanas feet up in the air and fished for said boyfriends in craigslist.

It’s no wonder that between the house chores, trying to keep the two businesses afloat, and appeasing all 7 of her disgruntled employees, I looked like Raggedy Ann, a disheveled un-ladylike mess. Then she comes one day and tells me that I need to dress the part of being her jackass assistant:

“I’m going to give you some money for you to buy some outfits. Here’s $50″

Where? At the Salvation Army…in Rwanda?  

Fact: Just like when you get a BMW, you surrender your license and are allowed to drive like a drunken blind ant all over the road, apparently when you get an assistant, you become an unrefined and tactless savage.

…I patiently await my turn at the whip.

 

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 30th, 2006 at 8:32 pm and is filed under rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.