gossip from neverland
Neverland being that part of the world completely devoid of humanity and any resemblance to the workings of the rest of the world: Hollywood. This month has been ripe and busting with fodder for my blog:
Attacks on chairs – Seems like Tom Cruise is using his affair as an excuse to release all that pent up anger for not being able to find a mate who’s shorter than him. For now, he’s taking it out on couches and chairs. We’ll worry when he starts doing it in stilettos.
Chocolate salty balls roast - On a more tragic note, Chef has left the South Park series because the actor who voiced him, Isaac Hayes, quit the show. As a bullshitter (I mean, scientologist), he could no longer tolerate the show’s religious intolerance and bigotry. Funny enough, his internal dialogue was at peace when making fun of other organized crime troupes (ahem, religions). It only hurts when they step on your calluses. In response, South Park created a farewell episode where Chef was recruited by the Super Adventure Club, an organization of child molesters. He was also taken to the psychiatrist (scientologists everywhere cringed), shot, struck by lightning, mauled by a mountain lion, and impaled. Oh, the humanity.
Sexiest T&A – It seems the only qualification to beat all the other bitches to the number 1 spot is to have a movie out that month. The flavor of this month is Scarlett Johansson trumping Angelina Jolie, because frankly we are all bored to bits with Angie’s underaged posse.
Desperate videogame – As if we didn’t learn enough bad habits from the TV bunch from Wisteria lane, now we have the Desperate Housewives video game. Just what we need to reduce all conyugal communications to “Argh” and “Mpfffft.”
Mitch Buccanon’s misadventures - David Hasselhoff’s private life has evolved from tame Baywatch onto more bloodcurdling The OC. It seems that this much sought-after singer (in Europe only where they lack proper working inner ears…and far sight vision) and actor has been dealing with a gnarly divorce. Yes, the usually cool, calm, and collected F-level star has been accused of insults and violence by his ex-wife. Although, if you ask me, Mitch is incapable of such things and “I’m going to rip out the daffodils” hardly constitutes brutality and qualifies better as a hysterical dislike of the botanical genome.
While you were out - It seems diminutive Prince overindulged his interior designer streak on his rental home (can’t he afford his own?). Anyway, his landlord didn’t like the “improvements” to the property and served the lilliputian star with a lawsuit that asked him to restore the wall color or beat it. Apparently, said landlord was the only person in the world who didn’t know his tenant was, err, purple-centric. A litany of plum walls, grape carpets, lilac appliances, mauve furnishings, violet houseplants, and lavender curtains are all fast evidence of the unnamable star’s tiny wizard complex.